Rejections

Today, I got a rejection letter in my email for a paid summer internship that I'd really been hoping for, and it was kind of a downer. It's never fun to read those emails. They're always so awkward and depressing and they're not very good for your self-esteem. There is kind of a formula to them that goes something like this (featuring my own translations as represented in italics/parentheses):


Dear Emily 
(that's his/her name, right? Anyone? *checks file* Okay, right, Emily),


Thank you for submitting your application to this program.
(Actually, reading these applications kind of sucks because there are so many !*$&@ applications, but it would be kind of awkward to begin the email like that) 


Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you a position for this summer. 
(well, yes, we are technically able to, but we just decided not to)


We really wanted to accept your application, but we had so many applications this year, 
(as opposed to all the other years, when we get the exact number of applicants as positions we have) 


and unfortunately, we can't choose all the applicants.
(well, not yours, anyway. Unfortunately.)


I hope you understand how difficult this was for us. 
(we know this email must be upsetting to you, but honestly, think of how hard this is on us)


We wish you the very best, and hope you have a wonderful weekend. 
(no, really...the amount of sleep I get tonight will depend on how awesome you're feeling right now) 


Sincerely,
Random Name With Pretentious Email Signature Showing You How Important They Are
(Remember Me? The One You Submitted Your Application To? Back when you had hope for this job? Lol)




While rejection letters are never fun, I wrote up a sample rejection letter containing themes I would like to start seeing more frequently in the near future :


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"Dear Emily aka "Frosty" (lol, your Mu Phi jersey nickname cracks me up every time! It totally fits you),


Your application was so great-- I actually chuckled at the part where you told the joke about the Orc and the moogle walking into the bar, and I was very much persuaded after reading your argument on why every work day should include a two hour ice cream break. What rhetoric! I wish I had come up with that idea, myself! I will also be the first to admit to shedding a tear over the heartwarming story about how you took the money given to you in your great-grandmother's will and donated all of it to the children's hospital, and how the eight year old orphan patient in the hospital wrote you a letter saying that you were her hero because of how many lives you saved due to your selfless and caring donation. 


The problem is, you're actually too good to work for us. We don't deserve everything we believe you can offer, which is why, instead of accepting you, we forwarded your application to ten other big companies who are desperately seeking someone with a breadth of knowledge and abilities as wide as yours. I of course put in my own recommendation along with the application, which I hope you don't mind. I don't want it to tarnish your application because my writing is so bad in comparison to yours, but I was also so genuinely moved by the beauty of your perfect application was that I could not let it slip through my fingers without saying something. 


If you never need money, let me know and I will literally just give it to you because you're so amazing.
Your humble servant,
The Person Who Was Incredibly Honored To Read This Outstanding Application


P.S.You will receive a batch of cookies in the mail by tomorrow-- I just baked them. Attaching a picture of them in advance; if you don't like the look of them, let me know, and I will immediately bake another batch and run to your house and wait for the first batch to arrive so I can whisk it away and replace it with the new batch before you know it."

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