How to eat a hamburger without being awkward

[note: the new schedule for my posting, provided I stick to it, will be something like Mozart and Chocolate gets a post on Mondays, Tolkien and Taters gets a post on Wednesdays, and The College Student's List gets a post on Fridays]

Whenever I go out to a new restaurant that I haven't visited before, I check out the menu, scouring it completely before I order. Very occasionally, I'll order a restaurant special. Most of the time, I'll order a hamburger (or a mushroom-swiss burger, or a bacon burger....depending on my mood). I'm not a picky eater. Provided it's not so spicy that my head explodes, I will eat anything. So why do I tend to order hamburgers when I am at a nice, fancy restaurant that has nationally ranked steaks? There is just something about hamburgers that resonates with me-- I can't explain it. When I see a perfectly grilled hamburger cooked medium-well, with fresh lettuce and tomato and ketchup and cheddar (or Swiss or American, if necessary) cheese and onions and pickles and a little bit of mustard and a couple of mushrooms and a slightly charred bun with some sesame seeds on top, I must have it.

This is not a medium-well burger; it's medium at the most. Unacceptable.

Now, I don't think I've ever been to a restaurant (short of take-out and drive-thru) by myself, and when I do go with someone, I usually sit opposite from them. This presents a very serious problem, one that has caused me more stress than I would care to admit. See, in this type of situation, there are two items in my head:

1. I must order a delicious hamburger, and eat it.
2. I must look civilized in front of the person across from me.

The problem is, 1 and 2 don't really go together. It's incredibly difficult for mortals to eat hamburgers without having the contents of the hamburger spill out all over the place, and not ordering a hamburger just isn't an option for me; if I pass up the chance for a hamburger that I want, I could pine for days. I can't compromise item 1. Therefore, I must work with item 2.

I will edit my system into a series of simple steps for anybody else who has this very problem:

1. When your burger first arrives, cut it in half with your knife. 
2. While eating dinner with somebody, you are expected to make conversation, but you can't do this and eat at the same time. So, pick up a fry, and nibble it, commenting on how delicious your burger looks, but acting as if you don't care all that much, because it's just food, and not as important as the chatty conversation you came here for. 
3. Your dinner partner will agree with you, and comment on how excited she/he is to eat (or something to this effect), and begin to eat their food to show their mirrored enthusiasm.
4. Now comes the tricky part. Handle this one with care. Wait until your dinner partner has food in his/her mouth, and pick up your half-burger to eat it. However, right before it reaches your mouth, pause as if you've just remembered something, and say something really vague, like, "Oh, by the way, how is that summer job going? I remember you've told me a little bit about it, but it sounds really interesting! Are you glad you worked there?" Then take a bite of your burger, being careful to be neat about it. (n.b.: the comment must be vague enough that the listener can interpret it any way that (s)he wants, but also pertinent enough to their life that they can talk about it for a while. Remember: people love to talk about themselves. It's why I have this blog.)
5. This comment can also be modified for various situations. "Oh, by the way, how was that trip to New Zealand! You've told me a little bit about it, but I never saw the pictures! What was your favorite place to visit?" or, "Oh, by the way, how did that test go? I remember you told me you never studied for it and you were out the whole night before, but I never did hear how it went! Tell me about the worst part of it!"
6. Chew and listen, occasionally saying things like, "Mmmm-hmmm" and nodding to show how interested you are. 
7. Once you can speak again, make an appropriate reply. Your reply should be based on what your dinner partner said, commenting on how much you agree with what they said, and asking a slightly more specific question on something they clearly want to talk about. "Yes, that professor really is unfair, isn't he? What was that really rude thing he said to you earlier this year again...?" and always appearing fascinated with their insightful replies, looking them in the eye and nodding sympathetically.conversation.
8. Repeat steps 4-7. With this formula, you can take the time you need to eat your burger neatly without worrying about any gaping holes of awkward silence in the conversation. 

Before you know it, you will be done with the dinner, your buddy will like you more than ever for your thoughtful listening ear, and you will have had a delicious hamburger in its entirety (or demi-entirety, or however much of it you wanted, although if you actually wanted less than half of it, I weep for the poor, poor burger quality you had to suffer through). Is there such thing as a better night?

Also, does anyone know of a more awkward food to eat?