The Art of Trolling

As a fairly frequent member to a certain forum (shouting out to the TORnsibs!), there is one thing that annoys me more than anything. Well, maybe not more than anything. But it annoys me a lot. Trolls. They post and disrupt the goings-on in this family-friendly and peaceful forum, and I wonder why they feel like it's necessary to post.

On occasion, the posts are amusing. There was one post a couple of years ago that will take me too long to find a link to right now, but some idiot posted with a subject line similar to:

Y R THER ONLY GIRLS HEAR IF LOTR IS A BOYS MOVIE

The content of the post was just as obnoxious. However, the sibs (a nickname for regulars on the boards, or TORnadoes) responded beautifully, with everything from sarcastic comments about Aragorn barbie dolls to a memorable picture of a male sib jokingly dressed in a pink suit, announcing that "he was no man."  Good times. :)

Anyway, for the most part, the posts don't end up being that entertaining. Usually, they will get no replies, whoever finds it first will report it, and an admin will come in and clean up, occasionally banning that user from the forum. (thank you again, admins!) Sometimes the reporting post will turn into an amusing pun thread. Sometimes, you get the occasional response from another regular, "Darn! Why do I miss all the juicy posts?" Mostly, nobody pays too much attention.

Well, recently, I found myself on TheArtOfTrolling (content-appropriateness warning for work people if you go to that site), which has some amusing posts. Here are a few of the more appropriate ones that made me laugh (click to enlarge):

Amazing ASCII art. Ten points to Gryffindor.  

Who says trolling is exclusively an online thing?

Fascist goldfish. Need I say more?

Ah, Yahoo! Answers. Upon seeing this upload, I immediately decided that this was my new favorite method of trolling, and tried to make a troll post on Yahoo!, using my account that I could log onto through facebook. I decided that it wasn't very funny, though, and that I could do far better, so I deleted it, and created a second account that wouldn't be connected with my facebook page, and searched for stupid questions to answer trollishly and maliciously. 

I got a little caught up in the music section, however, and then the classical music section, and then I found several questions that I knew the answers to. So I answered them, and then realized that I got points for having my answers chosen as the best answer!!!! And if I got enough points, I could get to level two!!!!!!! I was so excited about this!! So I immediately proceeded to answer as many questions about classical music as possible, and until I used up all of my answers for the day. 

The next day, I got on to troll again, and then realized that I was having too much fun answering the questions with this account, so I answered some more questions about classical music, realizing that the urge to make it to Level Two was far more powerful than the urge to answer somebody's stupid idiot question sarcastically.

So, I decided that I don't have what it takes to be a troll. I've also decided that to be a real troll, you can't really sympathize with the forums/places you're trolling, because then you just end up feeling guilty about it. (or maybe I'm just overly sensitive)

For a real-life troll, btw, look up Remi Gaillard. If you haven't seen him already, he is a youtube necessity. My favorite is his snail video (the link I embedded in his name), but he has many great ones, including a slew of must-see elevator posts. 

I did learn that there are most certainly such things as good trolls. They just happen to be overrun by the bad ones. It's like books. You get a million trash books, but you can't look at Twilight and say that all books are poor quality.  You also have to keep a straight internet face the entire time, which I just can't do. I don't have that ability. 

Anybody else seen any memorable trolls out there?

How to eat a hamburger without being awkward

[note: the new schedule for my posting, provided I stick to it, will be something like Mozart and Chocolate gets a post on Mondays, Tolkien and Taters gets a post on Wednesdays, and The College Student's List gets a post on Fridays]

Whenever I go out to a new restaurant that I haven't visited before, I check out the menu, scouring it completely before I order. Very occasionally, I'll order a restaurant special. Most of the time, I'll order a hamburger (or a mushroom-swiss burger, or a bacon burger....depending on my mood). I'm not a picky eater. Provided it's not so spicy that my head explodes, I will eat anything. So why do I tend to order hamburgers when I am at a nice, fancy restaurant that has nationally ranked steaks? There is just something about hamburgers that resonates with me-- I can't explain it. When I see a perfectly grilled hamburger cooked medium-well, with fresh lettuce and tomato and ketchup and cheddar (or Swiss or American, if necessary) cheese and onions and pickles and a little bit of mustard and a couple of mushrooms and a slightly charred bun with some sesame seeds on top, I must have it.

This is not a medium-well burger; it's medium at the most. Unacceptable.

Now, I don't think I've ever been to a restaurant (short of take-out and drive-thru) by myself, and when I do go with someone, I usually sit opposite from them. This presents a very serious problem, one that has caused me more stress than I would care to admit. See, in this type of situation, there are two items in my head:

1. I must order a delicious hamburger, and eat it.
2. I must look civilized in front of the person across from me.

The problem is, 1 and 2 don't really go together. It's incredibly difficult for mortals to eat hamburgers without having the contents of the hamburger spill out all over the place, and not ordering a hamburger just isn't an option for me; if I pass up the chance for a hamburger that I want, I could pine for days. I can't compromise item 1. Therefore, I must work with item 2.

I will edit my system into a series of simple steps for anybody else who has this very problem:

1. When your burger first arrives, cut it in half with your knife. 
2. While eating dinner with somebody, you are expected to make conversation, but you can't do this and eat at the same time. So, pick up a fry, and nibble it, commenting on how delicious your burger looks, but acting as if you don't care all that much, because it's just food, and not as important as the chatty conversation you came here for. 
3. Your dinner partner will agree with you, and comment on how excited she/he is to eat (or something to this effect), and begin to eat their food to show their mirrored enthusiasm.
4. Now comes the tricky part. Handle this one with care. Wait until your dinner partner has food in his/her mouth, and pick up your half-burger to eat it. However, right before it reaches your mouth, pause as if you've just remembered something, and say something really vague, like, "Oh, by the way, how is that summer job going? I remember you've told me a little bit about it, but it sounds really interesting! Are you glad you worked there?" Then take a bite of your burger, being careful to be neat about it. (n.b.: the comment must be vague enough that the listener can interpret it any way that (s)he wants, but also pertinent enough to their life that they can talk about it for a while. Remember: people love to talk about themselves. It's why I have this blog.)
5. This comment can also be modified for various situations. "Oh, by the way, how was that trip to New Zealand! You've told me a little bit about it, but I never saw the pictures! What was your favorite place to visit?" or, "Oh, by the way, how did that test go? I remember you told me you never studied for it and you were out the whole night before, but I never did hear how it went! Tell me about the worst part of it!"
6. Chew and listen, occasionally saying things like, "Mmmm-hmmm" and nodding to show how interested you are. 
7. Once you can speak again, make an appropriate reply. Your reply should be based on what your dinner partner said, commenting on how much you agree with what they said, and asking a slightly more specific question on something they clearly want to talk about. "Yes, that professor really is unfair, isn't he? What was that really rude thing he said to you earlier this year again...?" and always appearing fascinated with their insightful replies, looking them in the eye and nodding sympathetically.conversation.
8. Repeat steps 4-7. With this formula, you can take the time you need to eat your burger neatly without worrying about any gaping holes of awkward silence in the conversation. 

Before you know it, you will be done with the dinner, your buddy will like you more than ever for your thoughtful listening ear, and you will have had a delicious hamburger in its entirety (or demi-entirety, or however much of it you wanted, although if you actually wanted less than half of it, I weep for the poor, poor burger quality you had to suffer through). Is there such thing as a better night?

Also, does anyone know of a more awkward food to eat? 

Why my favorite color is green

So I thought I would try this blog out with the new layout today, and see how it works. For all 2 people who read my blog, could I get feedback on the new look?

Because there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever, I'm going to post lots of pictures and write sparingly. In memory of the look my blog used to have, I thought I would write about why my favorite color is green. First off, it's a lovely color that you can see all over the place:

Because of this, I can usually find the color green pretty quickly, if I ever am feeling sad and really needing to see my favorite color. 

Look, see, even in Houston you can find the color green pretty quickly when necessary.

Emeralds are my favorite gems-- I later realized that emerald is actually my birthstone.

*fighting urge to put hipster kitty here*....I liked emeralds before they were my birthstone

Frogs, which happen to be the greatest animals of all time (koalas aren't animals, they're love and cuteness in animal form) are green:

Come on, tell me you didn't smile when you looked at him. No? *hands glasses to reader*

Kermit the Frog is green, too. One of my favorite-ever Christmas presents has involved this excellent book, in which Kermit the Frog sings about why it's a good thing to be green:

You see frogs are green, and I'm a frog/And that means I'm green, you see

So those are some reasons that green is my favorite color. The end.

But green's the color of spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like a mountain
Or important like a river
Or tall like a tree

....

It's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be.

-Kermit the Frog

Missing the bus

As the summer draws to a close, I think about the one thing I will not miss: taking the bus to my internship everyday. Or, as I should say, the two buses, since I had a transfer on Broadway and Hildebrand. The less-than-ten minute car trip from the house to Trinity becomes a forty five minute trip (minimum) involving me sitting on a sidewalk, trying to avoid ruining my nice work dress, and attempting to read a book while the wind doggedly keeps me from staying on whatever page I actually want to read.

Oh, and missing the bus. The worst feeling is running to the bus stop only to see the bus driving by ahead of you, the driver completely unaware that if (s)he had been ten seconds later, you could have gotten to work on time. There is no question about where the blame goes in cases like this. If you miss the bus, it's the bus's fault. As you sit on the rough mirage-paved sidewalk in 104 degree weather, it's a small drop of consolation for your justice-parched throat that it is the bus's fault for deciding to be on time, and not yours, for deciding to sleep an extra five minutes that morning.

And the creepy people. You know, you get all kinds of sweet little videos and anecdotes about the nice things that happen on the buses/subways/trains/random places with random people, but in actuality, I (who, while I will happily strike up a conversation with half the internet, shut down in awkward-- or any-- social situations) find that I would much rather keep to myself and avoid talking to people. I have been approached; one guy named David asked me if I would be uncomfortable if I held his hand on the bus, and this other guy asked me what restaurant was closest to my house, because he would like to take me there. Encounters like these result in my finding the most secluded corner on the bus and reading my book and listening to my iPod, feigning complete disinterest in everything that goes around me. Feigning disinterest...or refusing to feign interest. I'm not sure which one is correct here. Either way, you get the point.

There was this one guy on the bus yesterday who kind of caught my eye. He was huge, at least three hundred pounds, and wearing a black shirt, black pants, a black collar, and he had black hair in a bowl cut. He also had a large sketchpad, on which he was drawing a dragon. I couldn't help but watch. The drawing was very good. I tried to look cool and aloof, as if I had absolutely nothing better to do than to watch, or as if I was zoning out, and just happened to be looking at his drawing. I even took a few minutes to fiddle with my phone, like I was sending a text or something (obviously I wasn't, because nobody I know is up at eight in the morning). He turned the page of his sketchbook, and began working on another drawing-- the kind that I like to call "anime pseudo-porn" (imagine an anime girl wearing nothing but what is absolutely necessary to cover up the important parts, and imagine them being covered with really heavy armor, with spikes on the armor).

It reminded me a little bit of this picture that I came across later that day (click on picture to enlarge it if you have trouble reading):

The story, unfortunately, ends with the bus getting to my stop. I got off, and got on my transfer bus, and went to work. I didn't say anything. But for the rest of the day, I began to feel something nagging at me, in a very uncomfortable way. I found that I wished nothing more than to go back in time and tell him that I really liked his pictures, and that I wanted to take a picture of them. For god's sake, I took a picture of a rock last week that I thought was especially pretty. Last night, I took a picture of a facebook status I thought was amusing, with my phone. I even had my phone out with me on the bus, to pretend to look occupied. 

I probably won't see that kid again-- it's very rare that I see the same person twice on the bus, although there are definitely a few bus "regulars" that I'm beginning to recognize. Sometimes, the source of my aversion to talking to people on the bus is obvious. Sometimes, I'm not sure where it comes from. In any case, would it really have hurt me to say that I thought he was a really good artist, and how long has he been drawing things? I am worried to think that I may be in that group of people that needs to find someone to look down on to feel better about themselves-- and yet I am certainly the kind of "weird and quirky" girl on the left. I googled "Zooey Dechanel" when I saw that picture.

I realize I'm not painting a very flattering portrait of myself, but I don't want to do that, because there are very few people who, when scrutinized up close, are perfect (neither am I raising my hands and saying "well, nobody's perfect, why should I be?"). I'm saying to stop looking for perfection, and look for what catches your eye. The thing is, out of all the people on the bus I've seen this summer, that one kid with is drawings is the one I really noticed this summer, and that's kind of amazing. Because of that, I regret never saying anything to him-- I am positive that he will not remember me after this summer, even though I'm sure I will remember him. Perfection is so easy to find-- we are bombarded with it; it's far more unique to find something that makes us look a second time, capturing our interest.

I want to encourage you (aka, whoever's read this far) to talk to someone today who you wouldn't normally talk to, and tell them something they would really like to hear. Ask them about their family, or how they are doing, or give them a deserved compliment that they might appreciate. It could mean far more to them than you might think-- and that's the point, isn't it? It's really no effort for you to say something that could brighten their day.

In any case, you don't want to miss the opportunity while you have it, in fear of a little awkwardness, and then regret it later. And hey, you really could be the person who makes someone's day. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.