Paycheck: An Odyssey

So I wanted to vent about why I am in a sour mood, but instead, I will write a play about it.

ACT ONE:

EMILY is at the HUMAN RESOURCES department at TRINITY UNIVERSITY. She is speaking to the receptionist at the desk. She is ANNOYED because her paycheck that covers a MONTH of lifeguarding is ONE WEEK LATE, and she has checked for it EVERY DAY THIS WEEK starting from last FRIDAY, which was PAY DAY.

EMILY: Do you have my lifeguarding paycheck?
RECEPTIONIST: I don't know...let me check.

The receptionist disappears into another room for 7-10 minutes before reappearing.


RECEPTIONIST: What was your name again?
EMILY: Emily.

The RECEPTIONIST disappears again before returning about five minutes later.

RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, it doesn't seem to be here. You are a lifeguard?
EMILY: Yes.
RECEPTIONIST (going through files): Well, it says that you should have a paycheck here...
EMILY: (weak laugh)
RECEPTIONIST: Let me call my friend, Other HR worker. (calls other HR WORKER)
HR WORKER: Yes?
RECEPTIONIST: This girl....
EMILY: Emily.
RECEPTIONIST: This girl Emily needs her paycheck.
HR WORKER: Okay. What's your name again?
EMILY: Emily M.
HR WORKER: (goes through files, assisted by RECEPTIONIST) Emily...ah, here you are. It says that you should have a paycheck here. Let me see if it was picked up.
RECEPTIONIST: (goes to check more files) It doesn't say it was picked up here...
HR WORKER: (looks at random piece of paper) Oh, look, apparently this girl from the athletics picked up all the athletics paychecks. She just didn't sign for them in the right place. Let me call the director of athletics.

HR WORKER is on the phone for a long time with the DIRECTOR OF ATHLETICS.


HR WORKER: Yes...yes...okay. Oh, so you got one paycheck? Yes, of course Emily can come down to the pool. She'll be right there. (HR WORKER hangs up the phone) Okay, Emily, can you go down to the lifeguarding pool right now to talk to the head guard?
EMILY: Well, I'm kind of at work right now, they just let me down here to pick up a check.
HR WORKER: This won't take more than ten minutes.
EMILY: Okay.

ACT TWO:
EMILY is down at the pool to speak with the HEAD GUARD.


EMILY: Hello!
HEAD GUARD: Hi! How did you get in here?
EMILY: I used the key.
HEAD GUARD: Oh right! You work here!
EMILY: Right. Do you have my paycheck?
HEAD GUARD: No. The director of athletics does.
EMILY. Well, she said that you did.
HEAD GUARD. That's strange. Let me call her.

EMILY and HEAD GUARD go down from the pool into the lifeguarding office. The HEAD GUARD calls the DIRECTOR OF ATHLETICS. 


Head Guard: Yes, yes...no, you never gave me Emily's paycheck. Just the other guard's. No...I don't have it. Okay, I'll wait here while you go check. (HEAD GUARD puts his hand over the receiver to talk to EMILY) Sorry this is taking so long. She is just going to check the boss's box to see if it was delivered there.
EMILY: Okay.
HEAD GUARD: You know, you would save yourself a lot of hassle if you had direct deposit.
EMILY: Well, my checkbook is at home right now.
HEAD GUARD: Oh okay. Well, just call the bank for your info, and fill out a direct deposit form.
EMILY: Okay, well maybe I'll do that next time.
HEAD GUARD. Yeah.

A SILENCE ensues for about TEN MINUTES. HEAD GUARD tries to make WEAK CONVERSATION with EMILY.


HEAD GUARD: So...what are you doing this weekend?
EMILY: Lifeguarding.

HEAD GUARD suddenly pays attention to the PHONE again. 


HEAD GUARD: Oh okay. Yes. I'll tell her. Emily. Yes. (hangs up) Okay, so can you hang around here for like fifteen minutes?
EMILY: Well, I kind of have to get back to work.
HEAD GUARD: Are you sure?
EMILY: Yes....is there any way you could email or call me if you get it figured out?
HEAD GUARD: Yes, I will text you.
EMILY: Thank you.

ACT THREE:

EMILY is sitting in her office at work when she suddenly receives a phone call from the HEAD GUARD. 


HEAD GUARD: Hello, Emily!
EMILY: Hi!
HEAD GUARD: Are you still here?
EMILY: I'm...at work.
HEAD GUARD: Well, can you go to Human Resources and fill out a duplicate paycheck request form?
EMILY: Yes, I can do that.
HEAD GUARD: We don't know where your paycheck is.
EMILY: Okay.
HEAD GUARD: We're sorry about that.
EMILY: Okay. Thank you.

EMILY hurries over to HUMAN RESOURCES and talks to the RECEPTIONIST.


EMILY: I need a duplicate request form, please.
RECEPTIONIST: You mean a duplicate paycheck request form?
EMILY: Yes. That.
RECEPTIONIST: You'll have to talk to the HR BOSS for that.
EMILY: Okay. (goes to talk to HR BOSS)
HR BOSS: What do you need?
EMILY: I need a duplicate paycheck request form, please.
HR BOSS: Sure, let me get one. Did you lose your paycheck? (searches through various folders)
EMILY: I did not lose my paycheck.
HR BOSS: When did you lose it?
EMILY: I did not lose it. Apparently Human Resources gave it away to someone in the athletics department who didn't sign in the right place, and now the athletics department doesn't know where it is.
HR BOSS: All right, here you go. (gives EMILY the request form) You know, you really should be more careful with your paychecks in the future.
EMILY: Okay. (fills out form) Here it is.
HR BOSS: Thank you. This will take a few days to register, but we will email you when we're done. You should pick up your paycheck on time next time.
EMILY: Okay. (leaves office sans paycheck)